Serendipity Smiles

Authors note:  I originally published this essay December 23, 2008

“What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great [wo]man is she who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Self-Reliance”

Solitude in Blue © Peggy Nolan

Long ago in a far away life, I used to do what I thought other people thought I should do – or be.  I was in a constant state of over-achieving activity.  Often overwhelmed with doing for others, I felt like I was in a perpetual state of juggling fire sticks.  Take care of the husband, the kids, the job, the house, the grocery shopping, the cleaning, the bills, ad nauseum.  I used to tell people that I was a professional juggler…I took pride in the fact that I could multi-task so well…only who was I kidding?

I remember taking time-out to cross stitch a Christmas present for my ex-father-in-law and my then husband told me how obsessive I became when I shut out the rest of the world.  And anytime I did something like that, he’d remind me that I put the blinders on again…and it was never said in a nice way…it was always meant to cut me like a knife…because God forbid I focused my attention on something other than him.

Divorcing my first husband after a 19 year marriage really opened my eyes to how I operated.  Very rarely did I do something that actually concerned me.  Over the course of a few years, I learned to put the things that concerned me on my priority list.  Going through breast cancer was my wake-up call.

Having a life threatening illness can change you in many ways.  Depending on the type of person you are, cancer can be a “good” thing and motivate you to redefine and change your life for the better or it can be a “bad” thing and plummet you to the depths of your own personal hell.  Going through divorce was my own internal hell and I had no desire to ever go back there.  Instead, I chose to redefine my life, take better care of me, and focus on putting effort towards my concerns.

At first I was called “selfish” by my two daughters.  And for about a year, we went through a really rough time.  They just didn’t understand why I wasn’t bending over backwards and jumping through rings of fire to accommodate them.  It wasn’t until they started seeing me happy that they realized their lives were actually better because they had a happy mom.

I stopped catering to what other people thought I should be doing or being.  I created and maintained an inner peace and an inner happiness even while going through chemotherapy.  As much as I hated losing my hair, I proudly spent the better part of a year bald, never bothering to act or behave sad, sick, or depressed.  Even my doctor didn’t understand when I refused to take an anti-depressant to help alleviate hot flashes brought on by chemo induced menopause.  I asked her, “why would I take something for depression when all I have are hot flashes?”  I had cancer…not depression!

As my inner happiness grew, it began sloshing outward.  My daughters noticed.  Family noticed.  Friends noticed.  Strangers noticed.  I called it my “wow.”  I began to look at life just a little differently than most people.  At the age of 40, I survived a life threatening disease.  I decided that I would impose my own terms upon life because I was no longer willing to accept what life was offering me.

With intense almost daily internal dialogue, I became the person I wanted to be with…a person with integrity…a person with a commitment to excellence…a person who always does her personal best.  In the midst of day-to-day life, the chaos of never ending demands, and the dog that needs to be walked, I have an internal solitude that brings me peace, quiet, and incredible joy.