Authors note: I originally published this essay December 23, 2008
“What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great [wo]man is she who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Self-Reliance”
Solitude in Blue © Peggy Nolan
Long ago in a far away life, I used to do what I thought other people thought I should do – or be. I was in a constant state of over-achieving activity. Often overwhelmed with doing for others, I felt like I was in a perpetual state of juggling fire sticks. Take care of the husband, the kids, the job, the house, the grocery shopping, the cleaning, the bills, ad nauseum. I used to tell people that I was a professional juggler…I took pride in the fact that I could multi-task so well…only who was I kidding?
I remember taking time-out to cross stitch a Christmas present for my ex-father-in-law and my then husband told me how obsessive I became when I shut out the rest of the world. And anytime I did something like that, he’d remind me that I put the blinders on again…and it was never said in a nice way…it was always meant to cut me like a knife…because God forbid I focused my attention on something other than him.
Divorcing my first husband after a 19 year marriage really opened my eyes to how I operated. Very rarely did I do something that actually concerned me. Over the course of a few years, I learned to put the things that concerned me on my priority list. Going through breast cancer was my wake-up call.
Having a life threatening illness can change you in many ways. Depending on the type of person you are, cancer can be a “good” thing and motivate you to redefine and change your life for the better or it can be a “bad” thing and plummet you to the depths of your own personal hell. Going through divorce was my own internal hell and I had no desire to ever go back there. Instead, I chose to redefine my life, take better care of me, and focus on putting effort towards my concerns.
At first I was called “selfish” by my two daughters. And for about a year, we went through a really rough time. They just didn’t understand why I wasn’t bending over backwards and jumping through rings of fire to accommodate them. It wasn’t until they started seeing me happy that they realized their lives were actually better because they had a happy mom.
I stopped catering to what other people thought I should be doing or being. I created and maintained an inner peace and an inner happiness even while going through chemotherapy. As much as I hated losing my hair, I proudly spent the better part of a year bald, never bothering to act or behave sad, sick, or depressed. Even my doctor didn’t understand when I refused to take an anti-depressant to help alleviate hot flashes brought on by chemo induced menopause. I asked her, “why would I take something for depression when all I have are hot flashes?” I had cancer…not depression!
As my inner happiness grew, it began sloshing outward. My daughters noticed. Family noticed. Friends noticed. Strangers noticed. I called it my “wow.” I began to look at life just a little differently than most people. At the age of 40, I survived a life threatening disease. I decided that I would impose my own terms upon life because I was no longer willing to accept what life was offering me.
With intense almost daily internal dialogue, I became the person I wanted to be with…a person with integrity…a person with a commitment to excellence…a person who always does her personal best. In the midst of day-to-day life, the chaos of never ending demands, and the dog that needs to be walked, I have an internal solitude that brings me peace, quiet, and incredible joy.
Stopping by from SITS.
I went through a divorce years ago myself and I admire your perspective. You haven’t folded under the challenges you’ve faced but instead, it seems you’ve flourished. You’re a great inspiration for those who may face similar ones ahead.
Thanks for stopping by Creative Junkie! I hope to see you around in SITS world!
Hi Peggy!
Lovely picture ( I love beaches!) and essay! Although I wish you had better circumstances to wake you up to YOU, I am so thankful that you did! I had a bit of crisis too, several, and finally realized my role as joymonger for everyone else had to be over.
It’s funny when we change – others are not so sure what we are up to and of course they get all fearful because we aren’t giving them the attention anymore – or at least not to the degree that we did. I don’t know who said it – I think Wayne Dyer – that when you decide to make a change in yourself, fasten your seatbelt because it most likely this will be resisted by people around you. Boy, aint that the truth!?!
I’ve had the extreme pleasure over the years of watching many women wake up to who they are in my journaling classes. It was the sweet fuel that kept me teaching for many, many years. In SO many cases, it was a tragedy, illness or menopause that drove so many women first to their knees and then to find themselves!
YAY for you! YAY for me! We need to use the knives we used to use making peanut butter sandwiches and spread around this message, make it melt into hearts like butter on warm toast!
Love always
suZen
Dearest SuZen,
I’ve got one of those hard heads or I’m just a slow learner…I have no doubt God threw me the test before I understood the lesson and for good reason, too. Sometimes, the catalyst for change has to be big enough or loud enough, or epic for some of us to “get it” and wake up. I mean, when you’ve been sleep walking for how many years, sometimes it takes that loud chaotic jolt…not that I wish my jolt on anyone!
I’m with you on spreading around this message!
Yay for you and Yay for me! I’m blessed to know you!
xo
Peggy
Hi Peggy,
Wonderful essay, wonderful life that you have created. I love reading and discovering the ways in which you took life by the horns and transformed it into the peaceful, happy entity that it is today. I am proud to know you!
xoxoxo, Jodi
Hi Peggy,
This was so beautiful and I love the picture too.
Good for you for discovering yourself and creating a new life that reflected your truth. Like you, when I started to do that, I had some people tell me that I was selfish. I thought it was the strangest accusation in the world. People get scared when another starts living their truth. Not many people do such a thing.
So thank you for being you! You rock!
Lots of love and hugs!
Hi Peggy.
Beautifully epicted how life goes for most of us and how wake up calls either work for us or not.
The status quo is strong, stronger than we think and as you said, it requires some mammoth effort of epic proportions to rise above that.
But you have done it, you wonderful soul is shining through and you can only soar higher and higher AND you take the ones around you with you.
THAT excites me the most, by sheer being you, you inadvertedly influence for the better.
Imagine what you are doing for your children, your family, the stepmons, for Richard, for the people who Richard works with when he is deployed, for the people you work with, for who you meet on the street, I bet you made an impression on the doctors too and on and on it goes.
THAT is exciting and that is the driver for me to go for it and I am soo excited and grateful that you are joining Ann-Marie and I, more than you will ever know.
Big hug to a Western woman who is becoming into her own power, THAT is the change the Dailai Lama is talking about.
Peggy, this is a wonderful post, thank you. As a young married person watching my parents separate, I reach out for wisdom from women who have journeyed before me. I can see my tendencies towards doing for other people and forgetting myself, and while I’m already aware of it and trying to work “me time” into my daily schedule, I know that I need to make it habit before we have kids. My mom threw herself into her children and neglected her marriage and herself. I don’t want to make a similar mistake.
Hi Jodi! That proud to know you feeling is so mutual! Blessings dear friend!
Hi Nadia! My then teenage girls were at odds for nearly a year. But I kept making the changes whether they liked it or not. My mantra that got me through was “when I make the right decision for me, it’s the right decision for them.” The three of us emerged better for the changes!
Hi Wilma! I so hope I’m influencing by example! I know one of my fears that I wrote about while I was going through breast cancer treatment was dying before I could make a difference. It’s my inner steering wheel…my inner beacon…to make a difference in the lives of others – especially my kids…all of them!
Hi Daphne! Make sure you put yourself on your priority list. Put the oxygen mask on first and then help others around you do the same! I keep telling my daughters to learn my lessons sooner and faster than me…you, too…your husband, your kids will be that much better for it!
Hi Peggy,
I know. I know that feeling of doing what the world thinks I “should” be doing. I’m working my way away from that. And the biggest take away for me is a level of peace that I feel. That level of peace translates into (usually) better things in all aspects of my life. And that’s a great thing.
Peggy, your story is so touching, knowing what you have been through, and seeinig a little more insight into that today. You are a light unto the world. And that light touches many…because you connected to something deep within you. And that is wonderful!
Hi Lance,
What helps me notice if I’m doing what others think I *should* be doing is a feeling of internal friction. When I feel at odds with myself I’ll step back and think about what I’m doing. If I don’t pay attention to the friction, it will turn into negative stress and that’s the stuff I no longer desire to live with. Been there, done that and it’s just not healthy! That’s probably the biggest lesson breast cancer taught me…to let go of the negative stress caused by other people’s expectations and just be me!
Wow, Peggy — how your words touch your readers! Your description of the value of the wake-up call is so truth-telling.
Although I’m also a breast cancer survivor, my greatest wake-up call was when I realized I was in a 15-year-old marriage that was eating my soul, much like a cancer. My decision to end that relationship was fraught with guilt over how pained my young children were.
This was the first time in my life that I put myself first, and it was definitely survival-driven. Life finally got through to me, and told me that my children would be well served if I cut the cancer out. It all turned out beautifully.
“Happiness began sloshing outward” — FABULOUS and fun description! Thanks for THAT smile-maker
Hi Jeanne,
Like you, I divorced a very toxic person. My diagnosis swiftly followed. When people around me talked of the steps I’d need to take to “cure” cancer, I told them I was already cured. “How so?” they’d ask. I always responded with “I divorced him.” Usually got weird stares…only a few got the joke.
I hope your travels are going super!
Peggy