Orignially posted in January, 2009 (deserving of a re-run…dontcha think?)
” I MUST BE MYSELF. I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. If you can love me for what I am, we shall be happier. If you cannot, I will still seek to deserve that you should. I will not hide my tastes or aversions.”
How long I lived a life not being myself. Or being ashamed of who I was because I was not loved for who I was. And I tried to be that person my first husband would love, but no matter who I shifted into, it was simply never enough. Or it was TOO much. I was too everything. Looking back, of all the things he said to me as we ended our 19 year marriage, it was this, “I want to be with someone less powerful than you.”
Me? Powerful? Never saw myself as powerful until my ex-husband told me that my powerfulness was something he could no longer live with.
I remember talking to my Aunt about this and she kindly reminded me that I come from a line of powerful women. All I have to do is spend a day with my Aunt and 3 of my cousins to realize that we are cut from that same powerful Scottish cloth.
And it helps to know that in God’s eyes, I am fearfully and powerfully made. That during my first marriage I lived a lie because I was not living up to the potential of my birth right.
When the love of my life and I re-met after 25 years, he told me, as we were staring at each other across the table at Dennys, “you are the same bold girl I knew in high school.” I knew as soon as he said that that I would never have to change who I am to be with him. That I don’t have to break myself for him…or for anyone for that matter! And because my husband, my soul-mate loves me for me, we truly are happier because the feeling is mutual. I love him for him -there’s nothing I want changed. He is fearfully and powerfully made and I appreciate and honor his God given qualities.
It is our God given right to be loved for who and what we are. For we are each born with the Divine inside of us.
Are you breaking yourself for someone else? Are you with someone who wants you to change your tastes, your ways, your aversions? If you are, I invite you to Pause and ask yourself if you are worthy of being loved just as you are.
Blessings,
Peggy
Peggy,
I love the message here – that we can all be our true selves. Sometimes, there can be moments where this seems hard – maybe we don’t fit in, or aren’t fully accepted, or act different, or… And that’s okay, especially if it is the “real” us, living from our soul…
It’s good to hear where you are today, Peggy. And that the relationship with your husband is one based not on conditional love…
Hi Lance,
it’s so much easier being our true self than the self that thinks it needs to be based on the expectations of others, dontcha think? I know for me, it has made my life SO much easier and stress free.
I’m human. I’m going to make mistakes. And the people I surrond myself love me anyways. Flaws and all! Life is so freaking awesome!!
Hope you have a fabulous day!
xo
Peggy
Peggy, I wish you knew how much this spoke to me! It is so perfect for what I’ve been dealing with, and it is a beautifully written reminder of the changes I’m making in myself.
Good morning Stacy! (Yes, I just looked at my clock, it’s still morning!)
I am so happy that you are making changes in yourself – you are the best investment you can make!
xo
Peggy
Thank you so much for sharing this
You have given me something to think about and it is something that I need to think about. Thank you again! I hope you have a good Wednesday!
xo, KA
Dearest Katherine,
Thank you for chillin’ with Serendipity for a bit today! I am glad my post has given you pause to be thoughtful today!
xo
Peggy
Hellooooooooo Soul Sister…. well sort of. Not sure I could keep up with your kick-ass-black-belt-bendy self. But I could be inspired to step out and embrace my ‘writer self’.
What a fantastic comment, it just made my day to hear such wonderful words from another woman.
I am in full blown ‘getting ready for the out of towners’ to arrive right now, but when I have time, I will put my feet up and read through your blog.
Thanks for stopping by, I really wasn’t expecting much of a response for SITS…sometimes you just have to knock on the door.
Cheers
Lynda
Lynda,
So glad I knocked and you answered!
Here’s to embracing our writer selves in 2010!!
Peggy
Hi Peggy! Boy oh boy what a post! And yes, I did break myself for decades! WHY oh why does it take so long to be comfortable with just who we are? I am so at peace about this now – finally – and truly feel blessed that hubs really encourages me to be me – and loves me anyway! haha!
Suzen,
I do think we’ve found exceptional men!! Here’s to you being you and me being me! Cheers
Your posts are always sooo thought provoking.
I have been contemplating this very question a LOT lately. My therapist asked me, “Why are you working so hard? What is the “end” of it all?” I had no idea. I have no idea why I push and I push and I push… what am I striving for? And, if I can’t put a finger on what I’m striving for, then does it mean my goals aren’t my own?
Your posts are so existential!
~Elizabeth
http://confessionsfromaworkingmom.blogspot.com
Hi Elizabeth,
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. How often do you find yourself doing those urgent yet unimportant things for other people? Along time ago I discovered I was chasing after the elusive seal of approval from other people. I thought if I did more, earned more, became more someone would finally say “I approve.”
I was a dog chasing my own tail.
And then I woke up. And declared my Self worthy and deserving. I approved of me. And that’s really the only approval I’ll ever need. You, too.
These days, you’ll catch me quite often pursuing my dreams and passions. Makes me a happier less stressed out person!
Goose pimples, goose pimples, you are giving me goose pimples with this Peggy:
“I love him for him -there’s nothing I want changed. He is fearfully and powerfully made and I appreciate and honor his God given qualities.”
Oh, I so feel the same for John and you word it so beautifully for me.
AND I am so grateful to have arrived in this place with a second partner, because when I can do it this authentically for him, I can do it for myself as well.
And all that awareness is paying off as we are not falling in the same trap as with our first partner.
We have woken up and we can do relationship differently and for that I am grateful as well.
A powerful woman you are.
Hi Wilma,
There’s so much freedom in allowing me to be me and Richard to be Richard. There’s an ease and contentment to our relationship that neither of us had in our first marriages. In the space between ourselves, we have created a safe haven. It’s bliss.
Peggy,
In my life I am going to share in the same fulfilling love relationship both you and Wilma have:)
Until last January–when I realized that I was literally breaking on many levels–I was “dimming my light” for my sailing friend. Who reminded me almost daily that my light was so bright it diminished that of those around me. I knew that to be untrue–my essence has been the same my entire life and my light usually is the spark for those around me…however for years I had listened to this criticism and then I began to believe it. Once I removed myself from this, I realized that yes, I am exuberant and can light up a room, but it is with joy and love and something people are relieved to share; it is a blessing, not a burden. God made me to be exactly as I am, and for that I am very glad; I am wonderfully made, as are each and every one of us:)
The past year has been one of amazing healing and growth, and a rebirth of sorts…it took a while to wake, but here I am, very much looking forward to the momentum in mine and the children’s lives and ready to embrace the new year/decade and all that it brings.
Hi Joy!
Your sailing friend’s comment about your light being “too” bright was the same as my ex-husband telling me I was “too” powerful. Why would we dim our light or shrink from our God given power? We are not doing anyone a favor by becoming less so they can become more. Once I figured this out, I made a commitment to myself to shine bright and stand in my power – fully and with confidence because that’s exactly how I was created! You, too
We’re all fearfully and powerfully made!!
Peggy, this is so true. I spent six years killing myself to be who my husband wanted me to be, but it was never good enough or satisfying enough for him.
Finally, when I was broken, I discovered myself. Who I was, why I was, and what I could be. It took many months of studying me, and exploring the black hole inside until I found what it was *I* liked. Sometimes, I’m still learning but one thing is for sure. I love Jason just as he is. He is my perfect complement. And accepts not just me but my crazy dog lady mother. Unbelievable!
Wonderful post as always! Test is over, thank goodness! I don’t do so well being still.
Dear Angelia,
The struggle to find ourselves once we are “broken” is never easy and the path to awakfullness can be long but both are worthy efforts because we are worthy of that effort. I don’t think I’ll ever be completely done learning who I am until God recalls me
I am so glad you and Jason have found each other. You are truly blessed!
Hi Peggy,
This was definitely worth re-posting! I love what you wrote here: “It is our God given right to be loved for who and what we are. For we are each born with the Divine inside of us.” This is absolutely true! I think you are fortunate to have found your husband, who appreciates and loves you for exactly everything you bring to the table.
I’m always thinking about advice for young men and women. My wish for all of them everywhere is that they follow their intuition when meeting others and searching out soul mates. Our intuition nudges us when we’re with someone whom our heart isn’t totally in sync with. Yet our ego, for lots of different reasons, trys to make things work anyway, and most of the time, we never can succeed at making a perfect fit. The sooner we can learn to listen and heed what our intuition is trying to tell us, the better off and blissfully happy we will be!
Hi Peggy,
This was so beautiful and it conveys a message that so many people need to hear. So often people live for others and not for themselves. I have been guilty of that in the past and was able to change my ways. It was not easy but it was very liberating.
Actually, to be fair, it was when I met my husband that I realized that there was such a thing as unconditional love. I was so floored that someone could love me as I truly was and not care to change me. Thanks to him, I was able to change my life around.
I am happy that you met someone who loves you for you! Yay!
Popped in from SITS! What a beautiful message. I needed this today.
It’s amazing how of us there are out there in a similar situation. I am yet to find the partner I don’t have to break myself for, but I am finding myself. It took me for ever to understand why I kept hurting despite all the years of medication and therapy – it wasn’t me at all, but the person who kept sucking the joy out of my life. His departure has hurt like hell, but I am emerging…..