I think I sometimes people mistake my openess and heart centeredness as having a lack of boundaries. I do have them. And when you cross it, I will gently and politely tell you “no.”
As a recovering people pleaser who once thought I had to keep the peace at all costs, I have realized that peace at all costs causes my own suffering and leads me down the slippery slope of martydom. Or worse, suffering from doormatitis, which is a disease determental to my emotional well being.
Over the years I’ve learned to own only my own shit. I do not fling past pain or injustices done me at other people. I do not play the victim card. If I make a mistake, I own up to it and make sincere, heartfelt apologies. I will work diligently to repair any damage I caused, even if it was unintentional.
If you cross one of my boundaries, I will let you know. Politely. Gently. And in a way that honors your feelings. But please don’t confuse your shit with my no.
Thanks for this — I’ve been thinking about this issue recently as well, particularly as I’ve found myself saying “no” more often. One important thing a mentor of mine reminded me of recently is that, if we can’t say a clear “no,” our “yes” lacks meaning, and we actually deny others the opportunity to really know us when we won’t say what we want and don’t want.
Hi Chris,
I couldn’t agree more!
“if we can’t say a clear “no,” our “yes” lacks meaning, and we actually deny others the opportunity to really know us when we won’t say what we want and don’t want.”
Not only do we deny others, but we deny ourselves as well. When we say Yes but we really wanted to say No, we deny our truth and dim our own light.
Thanks so much for stopping by today and commenting!
I think boundaries can be very loving to all involved, once egos are pushed aside. That’s always the trick, isn’t it? Much love and joy to you, Peggy!
Hi Megan!
Yes – pushing the egos aside is the big trick! I feel like I’m just really learning how to do that and this was good for that.
Oh ditto! Well said:)
People are always surprised when I say no. I also “give you permission” to say no. People are just as surprised at that. Energy is a precious commodity and when we are most mindful of where/ how it is invested there is abundance and flow that is amazing. Thank you for sharing this…..
Hi Joy,
I really like what you wrote, “Energy is a precious commodity and when we are most mindful of where/ how it is invested there is abundance and flow that is amazing…” so very true! Thank YOU for sharing that spark of brilliance here!
It’s funny how people think they can take advantage of you, because you choose the higher road. Not attacking you is not a sign that I am weak, or that I don’t respect myself or my own bounderies…
I am no victim!! I am proud of you for saying …and proud of myself for owning it as well.
Thanks Dawn!
Hi Joy, I used to be a people pleasure like you to. I realized that doing this, I had no ability to say “no” and always say “yes” even when I didn’t feel like it. It made me miserable. Now I have learned to disagree in a respectful way and it has made me a happier person. Thanks for sharing this.
Hi Hulbert!
Anytime I’ve said Yes, when I really wanted to say No has nearly always left me feeling miserable…and in need to keep score with the other person. But in learning to politely say no when No is what I truly mean, I don’t feel miserable. I feel balanced and whole. Thanks for stopping by!
Peggy,
Well said! It takes guts and conviction to be firm in a loving way. I wish more people could see it this way.
Xoxo
It was definitely a great learning experience…a bit unnerving, but all in all, I think I did ok
Hi Peggy,
Good for you for stating all that you did. I have found the same thing happen in my life. People often interpret my free spiritedness and openess as not being able to say “no”.
I can say “no” very easily and do so in a nice way. Being kind is not being weak. Not everyone gets that but that says a lot about who they are.
Hope all is awesome!
Hi Nadia!
Strange how some mistake kindness for weakness
All is awesome over here…except it’s still brrrrrrrrrr cold in New Hampshire…hope you are doing awesome as well!
Hi Peggy! WOW I LOVE that last line! No Kidding!!! There have been a few people who have mistaken what they see as my compassion for a definite entryway for their shit – and had to be lovingly cleansed of such notions. Great post! I’m always smiling at how alike we are!
Hugs
suzen
“I’m always smiling at how alike we are!”
ME, TOO!
Love ya!
Peggy, I’ve been staring at this one in my reader since you wrote it. I myself am a recovering people pleaser. It always strikes me as strange when people get angry about me defining my boundaries, like it was easy. Like I was just being a bitch or something. Like it hasn’t torn me up inside to say no. Like I’m not fighting every instinct I have that’s screaming, “yes! yes! yes!” when I know that “no” is the right thing. I’m getting better at staying strong.
Thanks. It’s always nice to know you aren’t alone.
Hi Carolyn!
You are so not alone! And what always strikes me as funny as that those same people who are complaining about my boundaries have a few of their own that they make no apologies for! Like it’s ok for them to have boundaries, but not me.
Go figure!
“But please don’t confuse your shit with my no.” I love this line, and isn’t it so true. No goes both ways. We need space to say it and hear it. Boundaries are critical to our well-being (and dare I say it – feeling balanced).
Seems you’ve collected quite a few soul mates with this post. It is so true. And I love you for writing this.