(note: This is a repost from my other blog…I’m double dipping today!)
What’s with this forgiveness crap? I don’t want to forgive her for doing that! Why should I forgive her? She’s never going to apologize for what she did…
Sound familiar?
Even though I know forgiveness is for the forgivee, I still struggle with the act of forgiveness. Why? Because my ego wants to hold a grudge. My ego wants to hold onto the story of the grievance. My ego wants others to join my cause and rally around me. My ego wants to incorporate the grievance into every cell of my being.
How does my ego serve me by doing this? It doesn’t. If holding a grudge or a grievance doesn’t help me, it certainly doesn’t help you either.
My job is to release the attachment my ego has to the grievance. This doesn’t absolve the person who behaved inappropriately. But it does allow me to let go of what her behavior did to me. By letting go I am free of the turmoil, the drama, and the chaos.
I have forgiven Richard’s ex-wife for her behavior regarding our vacation in Florida, for sticking her fingers in Richard’s face, and for the mean things she said about me. I have released myself from the attachment to the “problems” she stirred up. I recognize that she is a hurt person and hurt people hurt people.
In Yoga Sutra I.33, Swami Satchidananda translates it as this: “By cultivating attitudes of friendliness toward the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and disregard for the wicked, the mind-stuff retains its undisturbed calmness.” (Seriously, these are the four keys in dealing with people!)
I can’t tell you how many conversations I had inside my head with the Ex-Wife that kept my mind-stuff in a disturbed state of chaos! Most of them caused my heart to race, adrenaline to flow through my blood stream, and my inner warrior usually ended up rearranging her nose in each imagined conversation.
How often do you keep yourself in a state of internal chaos because of your thoughts and imagined conversations with your husband’s ex-wife? (Or some other person who’s wronged you?)
Forgiveness was my ticket out of chaos. I forgave her because she sees the world through a vastly different prism than I do. Her grievances and grudges are her story and she holds onto them. Letting my grivevances with her go allowed me to arrive back to my natural state of “undisturbed calmness.”
Are you ready to experience undisturbed calmness?
I can honestly tell you how much happier I am on the inside just by revisting the key behavior to cultivate when dealing with a person who may or may not realize her behavior is “wicked.” I dedicated the last week of my morning yoga practice to forgiveness and softening my heart.
Not for her.
For ME.
Today, I reclaim my equanamity and my peace and poise of mind.
What about you? Are you ready to reclaim your peace and poise of mind? Is there something you can forgive today?
You know, in these human bodies of ours with these human minds, this is a tough topic. I’ve heard people say there’s never a reason to forgive because if we have to forgive it means we’ve blamed. Well, in theory that’s lovely (to think we’ll never blame and therefore never have to forgive), but we humans cannot help ourselves. So we have to go through periods of disturbed thought patterns and conflict in order to return to a serene state of utter calm. Or maybe it’s just so we’ll recognize “calm” whenever we land there again.
Regardless, I love what you’ve written here, Peggy.
An additional tool that sometimes helps me to stop judging/blaming/disliking another person or their actions is to recognize that they’re just reflecting me back to me somehow. Ugh… That smarts, let me tell you, but it helps give me perspective. Sometimes the lesson is tricky and hidden, but it’s always there and I can always say (with a sigh), “Oh that’s right, I just did that same thing I’m blaming him/her for last year…”
Much love, joy, and a peaceful day to you!
Megan
Hi Megan,
I really appreciate the perspective that it’s just me reflecting back to me. It’s along the same lines of what we love in other people, we see in ourselves and what we don’t like about other people are our blind spots. This post was a culmination of me working through a blind spot or two
and coming back to a soft heart, forgiveness, and a much calmer state of mind!
Thanks for sharing your wisdom here!!
Love,
Peggy
Hi Peggy! “By jove, I think she’s got it!” (My Fair Lady) – and a big yay for you! You should teach classes in forgiveness, Peggy. I’m serious and sincere. Hell, I know it isn’t easy, this “forgiveness crap” but I can tell you it DOES get easier as time goes on and it becomes almost second nature from the practice.
It’d be a worse screwed up world if ALL of our egos were in charge!
Bless your heart, Peggy – bless your heart!
Hugs
suZen
Hi SuZen!
I agree – it definitely gets easier! I have found that it takes a lot more energy and angst to hold onto a grudge or grievance. And that kind of energy I don’t need – it’s just not very helpful to me! So…forgiveness is an easier place for me to get to, although I have to admit, my recent *stuff* showed me a few of my own blind spots (that reflection Megan talks about!)
xo
Peggy
Peggy,
I love what you’ve written.
I’m heart led, so am great at forgiving others…*that* is effortless really. I am terrible at forgiving myself. Which is odd because I do believe everything happens for a reason, and my life philosophy is about letting the day/experience unfold as it will. I am working on applying what I know to do to care for others toward myself and my inner child who I think is tantruming because she hasn’t had much attention. I think this because I easily identify with my 9yr old daughter’s outburts, and find myself wishing I could have expresssed myself so well at such a young age:)
I am fixing this with creativity and love, identifying all that truly makes my heart happy and allowing myself to enjoy experiencing it all.
Hi Joy,
I know that inner child you speak of – mine’s not nine…she’s two. And boy does she tantrum! I’ve learned to give her the attention she needs…Just being able to acknowledge an inner wound goes a long way in creating a more forgiving attitude towards myself.
xo
Peggy
Hi Peggy,
I’m a student of A Course In Miracles and
A few of the lessons are:
I have invented the world I see.
I could see peace instead of this.
I am never upset for the reason I think.
Love holds no grievances.
The world I see holds nothing that I want.
I want the peace of God.
I also agree with Megan everyone is always reflecting our stuff the good and not so good. In the end the only person I need to forgive is myself because we are all one.
Now because I wrote all this I’ll probably get some lesson on forgiveness.LOL
Also a blogging friend once said don’t try to forgive instead learn to be a forgiving person. That made so much sense to me.
Hi Tess!
I’m a big fan of Marianne Williamson!
What I learned through this tiny snapshot of an experience:
I see the world through my past experiences – so yes, it’s the world I’ve invented.
It took me a few days to see peace – it took some time to work through a disagreement I was having with reality
After working through it, I discovered what actually caused most of my upset – and it wasn’t Richard’s ex-wife as much as it was a past experience her actions dredged up.
Love holds no grievance – which is why it was important to me to soften my heart – took a few days for me to get there.
I wanted the peace that my relationship with God brings.
It was also important for me to listen to my anger – not let it fester, ooze, and become distorted. But just check in, find the root cause, and deal with my own internal stuff because that’s the only thing I have any real control over
Thanks for sharing Marianne’s Course in Miracles – it’s truly fabulous!
xo
Peggy
Peggy,
It takes me a few days as well and sometimes a week or more. I think it’s a process for everyone unless you can walk on water:)
That’s why there’s 365 lessons in ACIM and I begin lesson one again when finished. As long as I’m on earth I have someone to forgive…cuz we’re human!
Isn’t life grand? Thanks for sharin’
Hi Peggy .. gosh for me now .. this is so important – and I really like your post, the comments and the replies .. such a good lesson on life .. and so much wisdom .. thank you – Have a great Easter .. Hilary
Happy Easter Hilary!
Thank you so much – I am very happy you stopped by to share your light with us!
xo
Peggy
Hi Peggy,
Forgiveness is such a tricky concept. I used to struggle with it a lot. Then, when I got into studying spirituality in depth, I realized that God forgives everyone without judgment and I figured that I wold rather be like God than walk around consumed with anger. So with that one thought, I worked on letting things go. I still could be better at this but there has been progress.
Often people hold grudges for so many years, they forget what made them so angry in the first place. I do not want to be like that…I rather try to be like God and just forgive. People do things for reasons and if they knew better, they would do better. This way of thinking just makes life more enjoyable.
Plus, as Megan points out, people are just mirrors for one another. What we see in another is a reflection of ourselves. So it is all connected which is cool.
Have a wonderful day!
Hi Nadia,
This really hit home, “Often people hold grudges for so many years, they forget what made them so angry in the first place.”
While our mind may forget, our body does not – and those kind of long ago grudges and grievances get trapped inside us – we become dis-eased. I don’t want to be like that either!
Cultivating a forgiving heart is what I’m working on because you are right, “People do things for reasons and if they knew better, they would do better.”
Love,
Peggy
Peggy,
I read this the other day and viciously shook it off. I was in turmoil at the time. I’m actually glad I couldn’t comment. Internet access for personal reasons at work is now forbidden. I only had my iPhone, which is very difficult to comment with. It’s been nice to think it over and soak in these words. I needed that!
I was recruited to my job HEAVILY. I gave up a lot vacation (26days) and senoirity (11yrs) to switch companies. They offered me a salary my employer couldn’t match. I was torn. I liked where I was and who I worked with but as a single parent…..extra money is always needed.
Plus, a friend I had worked with almost 15yrs was there and raved (lied) about how great the place was.
I took the job. I knew immediately after I started, it was not the right place for me. The language. The negative attitudes. Hatefulness. Talking short to the client. I did what I always do, endured, did my very best, and looked for the light that I could shine. But it was always snuffed out. They would make snide comments 2 feet away from me that I could hear. I was the “goody”. I didn’t smoke or party on the weekends like they did. I didn’t openly talk about my sex life. Or my expensive shoes or my cosmetic surgery (those I just didn’t have). I gained weight there and had MANY medical issues. More than I ever had in my life. I could deal with all that but when the company started taking away personal internet time on lunch hours, then taking away federal holidays – like the fourth of July is Sunday – therefore no holiday off during the week. They lie to clients. Cheated them out of THOUSANDS of dollars all because they didn’t have a system in place, nor management to back up the requirement of what agents were supposed to do to keep track of expirations. If I can’t stand behind a company there is no reason to be there. My own skills began lacking. I began picking up the negative attitude, the curse words as well. I just tried to keep my mind occupied to get through every day.
Luckily a lot of other opportunities were FINALLY out there. I got myself into this. I got myself out of it. Even taking a paycut – well worth – every dime for my peace.
Here is where the forgiveness part comes in. Suddenly I found myself VERY angry with this company. With the whole situation and with the last two years of my life. I started seeing similarities to my second marriage. The control and manipulation. If you did something wrong at work, rather than come to you and talk to you, they gave you the silent treatment. Team members would run to management if you did something wrong, or withhold information if you wanted to do something the correct way, all to make themselves look better. It fired up a LOT of old feelings. I failed at making it work – again.
But I got a new job. I start in two weeks. I’m not giving notice. I had 40hrs vacation time I will lose, they don’t pay it out once you quit. Again, my sanity is worth it. I plan to take the two weeks and figure out how to forgive them and me and my friend that got me “recruited”. To heal inside and find that “good” person I was.
So you can see why this is such a huge issue for me. I don’t want to me dis-eased. I don’t want to carry the negative to the new job.
I know you easily fell into old patterns but you quickly recognized and took action. I am disappointed I wasn’t so quick to figure it out. You give me hope (as always) that I can find that calmness again. From the bottom of my heart thank you for this post. I have MUCH forgiveness to do.
Dearest Angelia,
I know how tough this kind of work situation can be. I also endured something very similar in the early 90′s (gosh, that makes me feel ancient!) I also took my week’s vacation and came in the first day back and quit. It was a great feeling to unload the toxicity of a negative work environment and boss.
You will find your calmness, peace, and poise of mind. Purge your body of the negative energy through physical activity – walk, run, yoga, whatever you find fun to do. Take your camera and get creative – spend some time taking photos of your favorite things
Pray, meditate – give the rest to God.
Lots of Love,
Peggy
Ahhh…forgivness. Too many people have the idea, that if you forgive, you are essetially saying you are approving the behavior. NOT true. We do not forgive for the other person we forgive for ourselves.
I have first hand experience of what a miserable life you will lead if you do learn to forgive. A few years ago I made the decision that I was no longer going to hang on to the pain of the past…and have since been much happier.
I have had a very very VERY strained relationship with my father. Once I chose to forgive, I opened myself up to so much peace. Is our relationship better…sure, is it perfect…NO. He is not, nor will he ever be the father I want or need…but he is still my father.
When I told him of my divorce, he was very sympathetic, until he learned that I was the one who filed…He got nasty and rude. Am I hurt, a little…but, once again, I forgive. So much so that in June I will be staying at his house for a few days during a wedding…He hasn’t spoken to me since I told him that his “opinion” of my decision was way off base.
The thing is…I’m ok, even if he is not. The reason??? Forgiveness…true honest real, forgivness.
I suggest everyone give it a go. You must accept that you cannot change the other person, that they do what they do because THEY have a problem not you…and you have to able to accept them, but not approve. It’s freeing…trust me..
Hi Dawn,
Nodding my head in vigourous agreement! It’s about accepting the other person, not approving of them. What a fabulous way to look at forgiveness!
I know in my heart, the act of forgiveness helped me turn a huge corner in my own life. After my first husband and I divorced I carried this huge (and I mean HUGE) grudge against him for a very long time. Two years after our divorce was final, I thought I had let it go, but not really. Not until I wrote a poem about a time in our life when he was at war in the First Gulf War and I was manning the home front…that slice of life reminded me that at one time we loved each other. It was that love that softened my heart and when I finished writing the poem, I had completely forgiven him and me for our failed marriage. It literally set me free.
Thank you so much for sharing the story of you and your dad!
Love,
Peggy
Hi Peggy!
Great, great, great article on forgiveness. I certainly have fallen into those situations where my ego grabs on and wants to replay a conversation and add in what I should have said, etc. etc. it’s crazy and it only makes me more miserable. Recently, I’ve been doing what you did, which is when I’m meditating or reflecting I focus on peace and compassion and I take responsibility for my part and then slowly I find that my ego lets go…finally!
I hope you are doing great!! Jodi
Hi Jodi!
It’s so good to see you here! I know you’re crazy busy with your family
I have found that it’s that “taking responsibility for my part” that can be so hard for some. We all bring something to the table and in recognizing our part in the problem, we can then accept what is so and let go. Very wise words!
Much love,
Peggy
Peggy, I’m somewhat late to this conversation, but I wanted to thank you for writing this. I find that my work on forgiving others has been relatively successful. It is when I need to forgive myself that I end up completely stuck. Perhaps that is what I will write about today. Any suggestions will be appreciated!
Hi Daphne!
Forgiving ourselves can be really tough, huh? Because inside our head is both judge and jury. We try and convict ourselves before anyone else has a chance to say Boo. Daphne, I recommend the following exercise:
I forgive myself for ____________
I forgive myself for ____________
I forgive myself for ____________
I forgive myself for ____________
I forgive myself for ____________
I forgive myself for ____________
I forgive myself for ____________
I forgive myself for ____________
I forgive myself for ____________
Grab your journal and just start writing a list of all the things you’ve been carrying around with you that you want to release. Give it up. God’s already forgiven you!
xxoo
Peggy