As I learn more about me through a program called “Women Like Me,” I’ve discovered that the structures and systems in my life are out of sync and a bit overwhelming. I’ve known for awhile that I need to be doing something professionally that is in alignment with my passions…I’m getting there, but all I see right now is the ginormous elephant.

I’ve commented on several blog posts written by others that I’m seriously out of synch with my 9-5 day job. I’ve been out of sync with it since 2005. After my entire group was layed off and I was sitting on a chunk of change that would have seen me through at least six months comfortably or eight months if tightened up the purse strings, I wondered if going back to corporate America was the right thing for me. I wanted off the crazy train of companies filing bankruptcy and office politics. I wanted to make a difference but didn’t know how to make the shift in my mind or in my career. I was stumped.

So I booked a five day vacation to Los Angeles to spend time with a dear friend of mine. And I had my last breast cancer remodeling surgery. Two weeks before my surgery, I sifted through jobs on monster.com and found a position that fit me to a T and it was only for three months. I applied.

No joke. Twenty minutes later, an HR rep called me and said, “I have a BETTER job for you!” Really?  You do?  My ego went nuts!  A. Better. Job!

I passed the phone interview with flying colors.  I met with the hiring manager. I thought to myself, “I don’t need this job.  I don’t want this job.” I gave everyone what I thought was a “is she freaking nuts?” salary requirement. They hired me.

But it was only for three months!  I can do anything for ninety days, right? They extended my contract. I accepted. My ego liked the money. I could support my lifestyle and my children without a hiccup and without tightening the purse strings. I thought I needed life the way I had ordered it after divorce and after breast cancer.

But the friction inside me gnawed at my heart.

In 2006, I decided to sell my house and live off the equity while I got certified to teach yoga and become all earthy crunchy. Only God had other plans.

Richard entered my life in April 2006. Wham! My life flipped upside down in the best possible way for me. Saying Yes to Richard and all that he brought into my life, also meant that I had to put the shift in my professional career on hold. I was ok with that.

At work, I switched contracts. In fact, the day Richard contacted me was the same day I was let go from my original contract.  I was beyond ecstatic. Thrilled to be let go?  You betcha! Two weeks later, right before my last day, I was offered work on another project. I accepted…but only for the summer. That was nearly four years ago.  In fact, I’ll be with my company for five years on March 1, 2010. What started out as a ninety day contract has turned into five years…or roughly 1,216 days…or 9,728 hours…or 583,680 minutes…or 35,020,800 seconds (I think I did the math right…correct me if I multiplied when I should have divided or applied a Pythagorian theorem)

In 2008 I started my yoga teacher training journey and received my certification in 2009. I jumped head first into my advanced yoga teacher training and will have my 500 hour level certification completed this June. Late last year I took two writing classes to learn how to write a query letter and then hone my writing skills to get published. I haven’t really touched my writing project since early December. Procrastination? My own self as judge and jury? Echos of a previous husband saying “you’re not that good anyway..”? All the pressure I put on myself to write it right the first time?

My life with Richard is solid but my professional career is a mess. We don’t live beyond our means but we are both accustomed to the income I bring home. I am the major bread winner.

How do I make the shift to doing what I want to do without upsetting the financial apple cart? How do I leave something that saps the energy from my soul but is so easy to do that walking away seems like the stupidest thing on earth?